I used to believe that children should say sorry...

Today I'm thinking about the impact our words can have on the people around us, and the value of investing in true community rather than surface level indications that things are "running smoothly".

A glimpse into the classroom:

Two children "Sarah" and "Maria" are playing in the block area.  Sarah is making a tower.  As she is about the put the last block on top Maria turns around and whacks the blocks, knocking the tower to the floor.  Sarah turns to Maria and pushes her.  A teacher sitting nearby and observing comes over to the children.  Maria is crying and Sarah looks mad.  The teacher says to them, "It doesn't look like either one of you is very happy right now.  You should say you are sorry to each other." 

So what...

At the time of this incident, I mostly agreed with the teacher who was speaking with them.  I believed that it was important for them to recognize the ways in which they had upset each other, and at that point in my life "sorry" was the only frame of reference that I had for what that might look like.  

A look at how a collaboration can help us grow:

Later that day all the teachers were sitting around for our daily de-briefing meeting.  The director asked as usual, "What worked well today?" Then, when we had all gone around and stated what we thought worked, she followed up in the usual manner, "What didn't work so well for you today?" When it got to be her turn, she looked at the teacher who had intervened in the block situation.  Dan, she said, I noticed that earlier when Maria knocked over Sarah's tower, and Sarah hit Maria, you told them they should say they were sorry.  Then she asked, Why was that? This question threw me off guard, and I listened intently.  

Dan thought for a moment then said, well... I believe that children should be held accountable for their actions.  Sarah and Maria both hurt each other, and I thought they should both have to acknowledge that to each other. The director said I totally agree that children should be held accountable, and that they should acknowledge when they hurt somebody.  But I have a problem with saying 'sorry'.  I was suprised to hear her say this, and wondered why.  She continued, I'm not sure that either Sarah or Maria was sorry.  It looked to me like Sarah was mad, and Maria was hurt.  Saying 'sorry' doesn't change any of that.  Furthermore as someone who has worked with women who have been abused, I have to say that I don't want to teach children that they should always accept a 'sorry' if it doesn't mean anything is going to change.

  

She was right.  'Sorry' is so easy. It lets us off the hook without any kind of real work.  But, I wondered, what is the alternative?  The director continued, I would prefer if as a staff we would encourage children not to apologize, but rather to engage in the hard work of asking the other person, 'what do you need to feel better?' in this way they are truly accountable to the impact of their actions, and the other child has agency to ask for what they need.      

It made so much sense.  Of course... I thought. Sometimes sorry isn't good enough.  Sometimes when I am mad or hurt I need space away from the person, or I need them to tell me they won't do it again, or I just need to hear them say that they hear how upset I am.  She was talking about the difference between the appearance of a conflict free classroom, and a classroom where conflict can lead to deeper connection, and even community.  

To this day, this director is one of the most influential people in my life and the conversation we had on that day is forever in my mind, not just because it changed my thinking about apologies, but because she modeled for us in that meeting how to speak honestly to those with whom you disagree.  She showed me how to approach a situation that you have strong feelings about from a place of respect and curiosity rather than opposition and defense, and how to learn from those with whom you disagree.  

I try to incorporate the lessons I learned from that day into my daily work with children, and adults, and in reality I try to practice it in my life outside of work too, because when it comes down to it, I think the world is a better place when we engage with one another, and have the courage to ask "what do you need?"